“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life” (Ps. 139:23-24, NLT).
This was my prayer from the conception of the “70 in 7” Project, that the Lord look into the depths of my soul and pull out the stuff that doesn’t sit right with Him. I knew there was more to learning discipline than in just my writing routine or physical fitness. I actually asked Father to “test me”! Um, yeah. Ha, ha, Lord. I didn’t really say “TEST,” did I?!
Since my last post, I confess, I had a bit of writer’s block. I honestly wasn’t expecting it because the words had been flowing quite freely over the previous two weeks, but surely, it was just a matter of time before the well started to get a bit dry. Well, and then, there was this distraction happening, which was occupying my thoughts so drastically, I couldn’t even stop to consider what my next post would be about. Ha, ha, Lord. Did I really not see this coming?!
What was this distraction, you ask? Nothing short of a three-year-old’s defiant “NO!” echoing through every room in our home. Eden has had it in for me all week long. Fighting me for every meal, every outing, every bedtime, every diaper change (yup, since she naturally refuses to go on the potty!)—my beautiful daughter, with sunshine in her smiley eyes, has coiled up my intestines these past six days to a point of constriction so crass, I inwardly convulse with conviction. Oh yeah, you mothers know what I’m saying. Of course, we love our children, but we also want to curtail them a time or two!
Of course, I am moved with compassion almost instantly after the episode of impishness has ended, especially when I hear Eden’s sugary voice say, “Are you mad, Mommy?”
“No, honey, I’m not mad.” I let the little part of me that’s tangled and toasted go.
She smiles, “Are you happy, Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetheart, Mommy’s happy” I reply with a smile too. Okay, my love, let’s move on.
Most of the episodes ended that way. But not all. Sometimes, I said, “Yes, Mommy’s mad.” And she would start to cry, “No, Mommy, you’re not mad!” as tears poured down her soft cheeks.
Oh, what pain I have caused her, standing upon that conviction—I’m right, she’s wrong. I’m the parent, she’s the child. I can yell, she has to understand!
But I’m really acting the same way she is. Defiant, unruly, undisciplined, uncontrolled.
In Sarah Young’s devotion for today from her book, Jesus Calling, “Jesus” says:
LET ME CONTROL YOUR MIND. The mind is the most restless, unruly part of mankind. Long after you have learned the discipline of holding your tongue, your thoughts defy your will and set themselves up against Me. Man is the pinnacle of My creation, and the human mind is wondrously complex. I risked all by granting you freedom to think for yourself. This is god-like privilege, forever setting you apart from animals and robots. I made you in My image, precariously close to deity.
Though My blood has fully redeemed you, your mind is the last bastion of rebellion. Open yourself to My radiant Presence, letting My Light permeate your thinking. When My Spirit is controlling your mind, you are filled with Life and Peace. (116)
The fact of the matter is, humanity in general is undisciplined in thought, word and deed. The Lord deals with our defiance just as often as I deal with Eden’s, all of us stubborn, strapped by self-will and suffocating in stinginess. But somehow, I’m called to be her leader, her example, her arrow pointing to heaven. I must choose to release my thoughts, my agitations, my self-righteousness, and allow the Lord to replace them with Life and Peace. Deuteronomy 30:19-20 says:
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
I have a choice. As in so many areas of my life, I have a choice how I handle Eden. If I continue to handle her with anger and self-righteousness, she will learn anger and self-righteousness. These are but “curses” to her future, where she will allow a mind undisciplined and a rebellious heart to dominate her days.
But if I choose to deal with her the way Father deals with me—with gentleness and truth and love—she will instead learn of Life and Peace.
Our favorite television show as a family is hosted by a Mr. Rogers’ recreated cartoon personality named “Daniel Tiger.” In one story, Daniel and a friend bring buckets of sand into their home to form a pretend beach, and Daniel’s mother gets very angry. The solution? “When you feel so mad that you wanna roar, take a deep breath and count to four!”
Eden says, “Don’t get mad, Mommy. It’s okay. Take a deep breath,” (inhaling, exhaling—she knows how to do it too), “and count to four,” she continues, motioning four levels with her hand from top to bottom as she counts. Then she says, “Ahhhh. Now you’re calm, Mommy.”
Yes, honey, now Mommy’s calm.
The Art of Choosing True Life 
God is so good! What good stuff He is showing you. Your children are a reflection of who you are. They become who you are. The solution: parent your children as He parents you. So wonderful. I truly believe that the Lord intends to “save” us from our self ways if we will cooperate with Him, listening to our conscience, and repenting when we blow it. Soon you will not need to count to four. You will be so sick of it because of how it hurts others especially your babies. You will be set free to love, and your children will no longer be able to control you or have any concern whether mommy is angry or sad or happy (thereby learning to be controlled by others emotions), but know that mommy is loving and good, bringing discipline as needed with love. The fruit: you will have your children’s hearts and they will know the heart of the Father toward them because they have already experienced the reality of His love in, through, and from their mommy. Thank you Lord! Thank you Holly for sharing your journey. Bless you!