In 2004 after Alex and I got engaged, I had this unfounded notion that I needed to come off my long-time antidepressant medication (Prozac) before we got married so I could really “know” how I felt about Alex without the help of some outside chemical possibly “coloring” my opinion. I do not know where I got this idea, but as I tried to taper off the medication, I slowly but surely felt less and less like “the normal me.” My emotions roller-coasted a daily rampage. My mood swings pestered like a perfectly performing pendulum. My thoughts became less constructive, less comforting and more corrosive every day. When my doctor asked me when was the last time I felt like “the real me,” I said, “Before I started trying to come off the meds.” So I went back on the meds, and all was well…eventually.
In 2009 when I found out I was pregnant with Eden, my obstetrician suggested that I come off the Prozac because it would be safer for the baby. I didn’t really think I needed to take it anymore, so I agreed to try tapering off again. But mix pregnancy hormones with still unbalanced chemicals in my brain and body, and you get one suicidal, perfectly-pendulum, prego-problem! So I went back on the meds, and all was well…eventually.
In 2011 God delivered me from 18 years of depression. Three months later I got pregnant again and thought that I should probably delay coming off the medication one more time given my previous prego-problem. Unfortunately, that pregnancy was much more difficult on my physically than my first, and my C-section for Elianna’s birth was followed by six other surgeries and countless other medications added to my daily regimen for more than a year. So I stayed on the meds, and all was well.
2013. Enter the “70 in 7” project. I’ve lost 35 pounds and countless inches, gone from a size 28 to a size 14, and completely changed from the inside out. At the beginning of September, after 19 years on Prozac, I decided the time had come. I have been tapering off now for more than four weeks. I have never felt happier, stronger, clearer, more sure, more focused and more complete in my entire life. And yes, sometimes I still struggle in my thought life, but that’s why I return to my “belief statements” to set me straight:
Belief Statement #24:
“When my emotions are overloading, I go to God—
He is my answer for every question and every problem.
My emotions do not determine my destiny.
My comfort does not determine my destiny.
Daily decisions and discipline determine my destiny.”
No, I don’t feel like “the normal me” from 2009. I feel like “a better me.” And that’s how it should be.
The Art of Choosing True Life 