In February Elianna had been born via C-section at the conclusion of a very difficult pregnancy. Unfortunately, my body was a train wreck after that, needing a total of seven surgeries over a period of 18 months, three of which were foot surgeries. My plantar fasciitis in my left foot had put me in a boot for so long that my back and neck also became problematic. A plantar fasciotomy was performed on June 18th with the expectation that my foot would be healed in time for the July 28th departure to Haiti. On Sunday, July 22nd, our senior pastor, Jon, who joined us on that trip, spoke about this scripture, Luke 8:42-48:
As Jesus went, the people pressed around him. And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone. She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased. And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me.” And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”
Elianna wasn’t even six months old at the time, and I had no idea that my physical ailments were going to continue another year or so with five additional surgeries before I would be healed. But already I felt I was going from doctor to doctor trying to find cures to all my problems but with little relief. Before Jon even began to share his message that morning, I felt impressed to record what the Lord was saying to me during worship:
Enough complaining and seeking comfort or healing from other people or food or doctors! The root of the transformation in you that needs to happen is this: that you depend on Me for all your needs and lead even when you are suffering—as Jesus did, as Pat Wautlet did, as Alex does, as Jon does. (They are your examples to follow, not to compare yourself to.) This is when you lead, not when things are easy, but when you’re tired, hurting and want to quit. When this transformation happens in you, then your book will be written and your calling clear.
Pat Wautlet was the team leader when Alex and I went to Peru for the first time in 2004. Shortly after our trip, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and died only months later. She was in considerable pain during our trip but never let on. Nor did she quit sharing the Gospel until the day she died. I have also witnessed my husband lead through difficulties over the years. And just after I wrote all this down, Jon began to share of how his father had broken his hip just the day before and how Jon had gotten little sleep that night. Obviously Jon was leading despite his fatigue that morning too. The Lord led me to this scripture as He prepared me to do the same while in Haiti:
And you became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers in Macedonia and in Achaia. For not only has the word of the Lord sounded forth from you in Macedonia and Achaia, but your faith in God has gone forth everywhere. (1 Thessalonians 1:6-8 ESV)
That Sunday was our Team Packing Day for the trip to Haiti. I knew I was still in physical pain but that God was surely calling me to lead this team on this mission trip, despite my afflictions and my fears and my reluctance to return to the mission field after four long years. I was afraid to leave my babies for a week, especially Elianna who had never been away from me overnight since her birth. And most importantly, I was returning to the mission field without my husband, my best friend and partner, my leader and strength. God really meant He wanted to be my All and trust Him with My all. And so I went.
My team of seven safely arrived at the Port-au-Prince airport in Haiti that Saturday afternoon and was greeted by my longtime friend, Angela Parayson. As we began our adventures together, in my mind I was always trying to keep at least two or three steps ahead of the team to make sure everything went smoothly. As I had never been overseas or led a mission trip without my husband, I realized what a difficult task that was without my partner in crime! Thankfully, Angela was an amazing host and took care of us all impeccably.
But every night when I would lie down in bed, when my spirit was waiting to unload to my husband who was not available, that’s when God would whisper, “Here I am.” On Monday I nearly overheated and felt like a failure; on Monday night, the Lord reminded me that He is my strength, and I’m only a failure if I quit. On Wednesday I spoke to a group of young women but saw little or no reaction; on Wednesday night, the Lord reminded me that I am called to speak His Word and Truth and leave the results up to Him. On Friday night, I was scared for myself and my team as we got caught in a frightening hurricane; in the midst of it, He reminded me of 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.”
God provided a very specific team to join me on that adventure, each of the six other members blessing me in various ways throughout the week. It would take pages more to detail the conversations, the prayers, the intimate moments of God building those friendships. For now I will simply say that Jon, Devin, Libby, Ingrid, Ken and Valerie will always hold a special place in my heart, along with the three tarantulas that graced our presence.
Returning home from Haiti was almost as hard as going there. My heart was suddenly awakened to its purpose of sharing the love of God with the world. But I was reminded that there is a season for everything under heaven, and my season in general is one of motherhood. So when Alex led a mission trip to Peru that December for the first time since we moved back to the States, my heart was heavy that I could not join him. But as the past year has unfolded, I have realized a greater purpose in the midst of motherhood, whereby I am able to lead despite any affliction and love with the love of God right where I am. For now, my current mission field is not overseas; it is here in my home, in my church, in my neighborhood, in my city, in my state, in my country—anywhere in my sphere of influence. And from here as I follow the example of all the other leaders around me, I know that “my faith in God will go forth everywhere.”
The Art of Choosing True Life 