I seem to recall an image or a movie of sorts where person “A” has one extended arm and hand holding back person “B” by their forehead, while person “B” tries with all their might to swing at person “A;” however, person “A’s” arms are longer, so person “B” cannot reach person “A’s” face or body except by their fingertips. It seems comical, right? Like a scene out of “The Three Stooges” that is supposed to make you laugh, a battle that can go on forever until one of them gives up. It’s an exercise in futility, but one doomed to continue if both parties are stubborn enough. Almost like the definition of insanity, come to think of it…
This is the inspired image that seems to capture my current relationship with God. At first I felt that maybe I was person “B” trying to reach out to God but unable to touch Him by more than my fingertips. But now as I think further, I think it’s more appropriate the other way around. I’m person “A” who is holding God back from fully embracing me; He is doing His best to reach out simply to love me, but I’m just letting Him close enough to brush His tender fingertips across my heart. These momentary touches are quite impactful, yet they are intermittent at best. My own self will has kept them…at arm’s length…
Over the last few months, I have been doing a Bible study called “Sonship,” which has challenged my very core to grasp the concept that I am not an orphan but a child of God with every right and responsibility as such. This has drudged up a number of deep-seeded issues that I have needed to face, some welcome and some not so. One of those issues has been concerning idols that we worship instead of worshiping God, pulling all our earthly affections away from the only One who rightly deserves them. Three of the most common idols are comfort, security and approval. And it just so happens that those are summed up in one Idol, with a capital “I,” for me: The Scale.
As I eluded to in my blog project intro, one of two March 2019 events that significantly impacted me is what led me to this place of seeking comfort, security and approval in my little white scale. It is tucked just inside my closet, poised for me to grab and place on my bathroom floor every morning for a visit. A seemingly harmless piece of plastic and metal showing little numbers that vary daily, the scale has the power to sway my day in any way it chooses. And I let it do so.
Over the last two and a half years, I have lost more than 100 pounds. Over the last year though, none. Not for a lack of trying. In fact, I have never put so much effort into my physical health as I have since March of last year. I had completed nine months of personal training and immediately drove hard into my own training plan, my eyes on the prize of finally completing a half marathon on Thanksgiving Day. I had attempted to do so five years earlier, but on the day before, I found out I was pregnant. My doctor, nervous that I could miscarry again, told me not to run. So this time I was absolutely bound and determined to reach my goal….and in the meantime, it would keep me “safe” on the scale…or so I thought.
The Scale. When it goes up, I am depressed; I feel worthless, uncomfortable, disliked, fat, ugly, unloved, unsuccessful, a failure, incapable of good decisions, guilty, condemned. When it goes down, I am at peace; I feel excited, hopeful, beautiful, loved, approved of, relaxed, happy. How I feel then determines my parenting, my relationships, how I treat my husband, how productive I am, how I love others, if I ask God for “help” or leave Him out of my day. I have tried denying it for as long as I could. The Scale is what fortifies my arm and hand holding the face of God back from a full-on love-embrace of His grace. I must make a choice then. Do I remove it? Or let it rule my life permanently?
When we allow the affections of our hearts to be captured and corrupted by these idols, the outcome is always the same—a lack of God’s transforming power and presence in our lives….Through repentance, we pull our heart affections away from our idols and, by faith, put them back on Jesus Christ. We must all learn to ask, “What idol does my heart presently crave?” Once identified, we must be willing to take radical action against our idols, sapping their life-dominating power. (Sonship 3rd Edition, page 197)
At first I thought of the scale as a “friend,” a partner in crime, a way to keep a check on myself. Over time, however, the Scale became a need, a control factor, the decider of my day, the only thing that I must strive to please. But it also awakened in me a hunger that could never be satisfied, spiritually and physically. If the number went down, I was downtrodden; when I was sad, I ate more; what I ate more, I felt guilty, alone, out of control. So as much as I have striven to lose more weight, God’s transforming power was absent, His presence depleting. Nothing would change.
Am I willing to take “radical action” against this idol? My answer must be the same as for this question: do I want God’s transforming power and presence back in my life? Yes. Yes, I do want Him. Yes, I am willing. I no longer wish to elevate the scale to a higher position than the Father in my life. I need Him to reverse its life-dominating power by awakening His grace in me instead. Grace for the moment, to simply be who He has made me to be, no matter what number flashes at my feet! When He removes my guilt and self-condemnation, I am free to love others with the love He has poured out on me. Oh what great ways I could show that love if His fingertips not only brush quickly across my heart, but if He fully engulfs me in His!!
Starting today, I am only going to weigh in once a week for a full year. Oh Lord, let this year be truly all about the transformation YOU are doing by Your grace and mercy.
My hand is down, Father. Please come get me!
The Art of Choosing True Life 