My First Challenger
The summer after graduating high school, I attended “EYE ‘96,” the “Episcopal Youth Event” in Indiana, with about 60 other teens from Massachusetts. My dorm roommate Rachel and I hit it off right away; after a few days together, she said, “Holly, I’ve been listening to you, and you obviously have a way with words. Don’t you think you should use your words in a better way?”
I was confused and shocked by her bluntness (she barely knew me). It was the first time anyone said I had “a way with words,” but this was the first time I was challenged by anyone to use them in a different way.
I may have been a new Christian then, but the Holy Spirit is able to get started right away with convicting us to make different—better—choices.
I grew up in a household with a LOT of sarcasm, but I never realized sarcasm could be destructive to others, especially to those who were so insecure, like me. I didn’t see how my family’s sarcasm had torn me down, so I was doing the same thing to others.
On that trip, I came across Proverbs 18:21 (NIV), which says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
I knew Rachel was right. That event burned in my memory, and it caused me to check myself every now and then to make sure my words were honoring God.
But When I Forgot…
Unfortunately, in my insecurities over the years, at times I forgot that searing memory and tore others down to make myself look better. I recall two specific instances of insincere and insensitive comments I made about someone else in front of groups of people, only to be haunted by those memories until I confessed my sin and asked those individuals for forgiveness.
Sarcasm is such a debilitating but common method of communication that thinly veils an insult, causing another’s feelings to be hurt, whether momentarily or quite seriously.
Two words that I have found most hurtful are “Whatever!” and “Duh!” Especially when used within marriage, these are words that can easily roll off the tongue, only to force a chasm between two people, diminish emotional intimacy, and cause small conflicts to erupt into larger fights that can develop into verbal or even physical abuse.
Jesus is called “The Word” in the Bible
So it follows that words can bring Life if used correctly, or death, if not.
Word or words appears 1,323 times in the Amplified Bible, counting numerous scriptures that describe the specific use of words, whether positive or negative, and the effects of such usage.
Proverbs speaks many times of how positive words can bring healing, while negative ones birth untold trouble:
An encouraging word: “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, but a good (encouraging) word makes it glad.” Proverbs 12:25 AMP
A wise word: “A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise speaks knowledge that is pleasing and acceptable, but the [babbling] mouth of fools spouts folly. The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:1-2, 4 AMP
A life-giving word: “Nothing is more appealing than speaking beautiful, life-giving words. For they release sweetness to our souls and inner healing to our spirits.” Proverbs 16:24 TPT
A guarded word: “He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards himself from troubles.” Proverbs 21:23 AMP
A wrong word: “As the north wind brings a storm, saying things you shouldn’t brings a storm to any relationship.” Proverbs 25:23 TPT
Be Careful
Just like we have to be careful what we take in with our senses to protect our thoughts, we must also do so to protect our words. Out of the overflow of our hearts are the words we choose to say (Luke 6:45 AMP), even if in a not-so-innocent, joking way.
God has given us the power of words with which to build one another up, not tear one another down. The apostle Paul said it this way in Ephesians 4:29:
(Amplified Bible) “Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak].”
(The Passion Translation) “And never let ugly or hateful words come from your mouth, but instead let your words become beautiful gifts that encourage others; do this by speaking words of grace to help them.”
There is also a right time and place for certain words to be shared, and the Holy Spirit can guide us to speak at appropriate times and hold our tongue in others.
We must not speak for the sake of speaking; Jesus told us that every word we say will be counted—”But I tell you, on the day of judgment people will have to give an accounting for every careless or useless word they speak.” Matthew 12:36 AMP
Were our words soothing, sweet, helpful, uplifting, freeing? Or were they harsh, ugly, hateful, vulgar, or painful?
God is listening to every single one, especially including the words we speak to our family members.
There’s Grace
Good news! God’s goodness and grace are unchangeable, so He is always quick to forgive those who are hidden in Christ. His grace is sufficient to cover our misspoken words, so when we seek Him and His forgiveness, He can work things together for good.
Jesus Himself insisted that we only speak the words that we truly mean, to not use words to talk our way out of trouble or to merely get what we want:
And don’t say anything you don’t mean….You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, “I’ll pray for you,” and never doing it, or saying, “God be with you,” and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say “yes” and “no.” When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.
Matthew 5:33-37 MSG
Jesus doesn’t want us to put on a show, to pretend to be what we are not, or to choose words that are phony. He wants us to choose words that speak Life over people, over dead situations that need new life, over relationships that need restoration, over hearts that need healing or need to understand their worth in Christ.
In this way, Jesus can make good on His promises to pervade that Life into areas that have been dark and empty:
Enjoying Life: “For, the one who wants to enjoy life and see good days [good—whether apparent or not], must keep his tongue free from evil and his lips from speaking guile (treachery, deceit).” 1 Peter 3:10 AMP
Winning favor: “The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious and win him favor, but the lips of a fool consume him.” Ecclesiastes 10:12 AMP
Living thankfully: “Let there be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse [obscene or vulgar] joking, because such things are not appropriate [for believers]; but instead speak of your thankfulness [to God].” Ephesians 5:4 AMP
More than any reason, we should choose words that worship God and thank Him for Who He is and all that He has done. These are the words that bless the Father and others at the same time.
Even when words get away from us in the heat of an argument, we must return in humility and repentance, asking Him to cleanse our tongues and continue our journey.
The Art of Choosing True Life 